Are you supposed to be here?
This is my personal journal.
If you don't have permission to be here, I politely ask that you leave.
March 12, 2024
Current Song: Impostor, by Oingo Boingo
Current Mood: Nothing
Today I have a dentist appointment. I don't want to go because I don't want to deal with other people.
I've been feeling pretty bad lately, I think. Nights make me miserable, and days feel empty and hollow. Nothing seems interesting and it takes a while to force myself to do anything I should like, like playing games or working on my site.
I haven't done much today. I've sat around listening to music a lot, I took a shower, and now I'm here. I should probably go and eat lunch. Ten minutes, then I'll go and eat lunch.
March 10, 2024
Current Song: What a Wicked Gang Are We, by Streetlight Manifesto
Current Mood: Empty, Tired
Somehow, time slipped away and now it's almost 1AM. I'm supposed to be waiting for someone on Animal Crossing: New Leaf, so I might as well stay up.
I've spent most of my weekend listening to the same album on repeat. Somewhere in the Between is just a really good album and Streetlight Manifesto is just a really good band.
It's a bit of old news now, but recently both Bug and Johnny have said things about me potentially being autistic. Apparently both of them are autistic, so I trust their opinions. Honestly, though, I'm not entirely sure what to think about it. On one hand, I suppose it makes sense. It would explain a lot. Bug says that autism and anxiety and depression are typically comorbid, while Johnny says that he can see it in some of the things he remembers from me. On the other hand, it makes me feel like my awful thoughts have been right, that there has been something wrong with me this whole time and it was entirely obvious to everyone else. It also makes me feel very angry. Maybe if someone said something sooner, I wouldn't fucking struggle with myself like I do. I've been meaning to do research, but I keep putting it off.
I'm so tired right now that I keep trembling.
March 9, 2024
Current Song: Disco City, by That Handsome Devil
Current Mood: Teary-eyed
All of a sudden I feel completely miserable. I just feel really empty and alone.
I want some kind of human connection, maybe sex if possible. I don't even think I want the sex specifically, I think I just want it because it would be a very intimate connection and it would give me the opportunity to feel something. I'd be a whore if I could.
I know that that's a dangerous way of thinking. I just want to feel what everyone else does. Love and lust come naturally to everyone else, so why doesn't it come naturally to me?
In the past, I liked a girl named Sequoyah and I would offer to beat up her creepy boyfriend to try to show that I liked her. Bug said that that was animal behavior and they're right. My view on relationships is one of three things: clinical, animalistic, or childish.
Other people, mainly my bosses at work, treat me like a naive child. They constantly make sexual jokes and references and innuendos and none of it is ever funny. Yeah, men have dicks and they want to have sex with those men involving those dicks. That's so funny. Because I never react like they do, they act like I don't know what sex is. I hate being treated like a child. There's even a word for this, it's called 'infantilization'. How much would it surprise them to know that I masturbate regularly? Stupid fuckers.